30 days of self-love: when I don’t want to
Look, I know exercise is helpful for me when I have my period. I know that movement heals so many things in me. I feel better when I dance. Always! I love to ride my bike. And also, that doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard for me to motivate myself to move when I feel like this. There is a whole self in me saying, “I. DON’T. WANT. TO.”
Maybe it’s my inner child. Maybe it’s one of my dragons. Maybe it’s my autonomic nervous system. Maybe it’s a story I’m telling myself that I can’t. Maybe it’s all of those things. Maybe it’s just damn, I’m losing a bunch of blood and it makes me feel super fatigued.
I think it often comes back to being choiceful, doesn’t it? I feel my no, and this time, I know that it’s a resistance that can be worked with. It’s not a no because I’m upholding a boundary, it’s not a no to keep me safe, it’s not a no to keep me in integrity with myself, it’s not a no to protect my peace. I can work to a yes not because I feel obligated or like I should, rather because I do know what’s on the other side of motivated, committed self-love in this moment. Release. Nature. Connection with my partner. Joy watching my dog sprint next to our bikes. No screens. Outside of my house where I work all day. The beautiful unknown of whatever discoveries wait for the curious.
And now on the other side, my soul is sated. I’m glad I worked to a full-body yes this time. It doesn’t always work out this way. That’s the learning. I do know it gets easier for me when I’m in my body and out of people-pleasing.
The last thing I’ll share is something I wrote in an earlier post that I was reminded of as we biked, the most dynamic and incredible sky I’ve witnessed in quite a while. A prayer for myself, and a reminder:
look up. The sky is always there for you.
look down. What a miraculous body you have, that is always there for you to notice, appreciate, and thank it for what it allows you to do.
feel in. Your breath is always there, a safety, a comfort to rely it. Notice it, follow it, allow it to guide you back to your body, to this moment.
look up 
Thank you for the beautiful photos and mostly for sharing the raw truth you so unabashedly shared. While reading this I realized I need all of this weaved in to my life and accept I’ve been taking a back seat to what keeps me happy. At a time when everything looks so far out of reach, this forced me to look in the mirror and see a reflection that said get up and get back to your joy!