last year

I used to be addicted to nostalgia, unable to let go of people, things, stories. Clinging. I lived in a paradox of running away from the past to different countries, cities, jobs, while simultaneously being consumed by it, obsessed with it, letting it sit at the helm of the direction of my life. I thought if I could literally leave the origin of my past, it wouldn’t be able to touch me. The saying, “Wherever you go, there you are,” is a truth that I have learned to touch.

There is something lost when you don’t take time to reflect on the past though, the changes of your life. It’s easy to miss the growth, miss the patterns, miss the triumph and victories, miss the grief and pain. Life passes quickly, even when you work hard to be present for it. There is a difference between reflection and and sitting in your past also, when you’re unwilling to move forward, or to let go of who you were, and what you had. I’m still learning the balance of bringing my past into my present lovingly, organically. Inner child love, play, dancing, embodiment work, loving relationships, intimacy work, meditation, swimming. I probably will always be learning that balance, and that’s okay.

In the spirit of healthy, intentional reflection, I picked a handful of snippets from my journal in the second half of last year, and leave them here below to share with you.

The world is reopening, it’s open. I put away my masks. I’m grateful.

Falling in love, ignoring red flags. 

A recognition that I want to do new things, and haven’t been in my relationship. Deep conversations and new realizations with family.

Begin again. Top of mind on my birthday. It has been such a hard year, and also the most transformative of my life. I am living and orienting from a completely different place. I’m so grateful. I’m so lucky. 

Listen more, be more curious. I am an adult, I am a child, I am women, I am old looking down, I am young looking up, I am knocked out by the sky and the people around me. I am trying. I am at the beginning. 

I am committed to loving-kindness. I’m committed to living a life that is present, grateful, joyful, helpful to the people I connect with. Why? It starts with me. I want to grow my knowledge and experience, learn to love better and share it with everyone I come into contact with. When I fundamentally shift how I move through the world, I change the world for the better. I leave the places I go better, and when I don’t, I own it and do better next time. Get love and give it back. I already have everything I need. 

June. July. August. Months of ignoring my intuition because of attachment. 

But at least in my bad dreams now, I’m fighting back. 

The work of sitting with the ambiguity continues. Is this the right job? The right person? The right life?

There’s a part of me that feels so lost without the crisis to guide me.

The good life is anywhere. 

Intense feelings of rejection/fear of being abandoned/insecurity. So much uncertainty. 

I think we were both enamored with the ideas of what we could be to each other, and neither of our ideas were based on reality. 

I spend too much time away and get to forgetting how I need these people who make my life wonderful in my life. 

Being out in lovely places in nature reminded me how happy I am in nature, in green. I love the woods, love trees…Place is important, people are important and I can be happy anywhere. 

It’s not what you do that counts, it’s the quality of your attention.

The only way to resolve all violence is to give up your story. We are not our stories.

When we focus on what is being observed, felt and needed rather than diagnosing and judging, we discover the depths of our own compassion. -Non-Violent Communication

Looking through backpacks from elementary school, a reminder that I was also a happy kid with a healthy self-esteem.

Suffering ends where gratitude begins.

“Now I’m always at the beginning. I have a reset button and I ride that button constantly.” -Jim Carrey

I’ve stumbled and fallen over the past handful of weeks and thought I know I’m strong enough to pull myself back up, I let myself fall into the arms of my family, chosen and biological. I could do it alone, but it’s so much harder. “We don’t have to do it alone. We were never meant to.” Brene Brown

There is a real danger in spending time with people who being relationship with make your world smaller.

Be strong. Be gracious. Nothing is unending. No feeling is final. Just keep going. I’m proud of my upbeat attitude. It is not an accident. 

Go into the world with courage and loving-kindness with an open heart and wide awareness and a humbling gratitude for this sacredness of being given this moment, this day. 

You were born good. We were made to help each other and be good to each other. We wouldn’t have survived otherwise. 

 He feels like a home, like opening the door to a place I’ve been looking for but didn’t realize until I walked through. I look in his eyes and I can stay in his eyes without discomfort. He feels like love, like a love I can trust, like a place I can come back to again and again. If I showed up at a strange time, the door would be unlocked, this is a truth I know without fear. 

I’m humbled by the passing of time. It goes without any human interference, stops for no one or nothing. 

“You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” -Marcus Aurelius

“Let up prepare our minds as if we’ve come to the very end of life. Let us postpone thinking. Let us balance life’s books each day…The one who puts the finishing touches on their life is never short on time.” -Seneca

I’m so stimulated, my creativity, my spirituality, awareness, attention, embodiment. It’s tiring at times, but then I have nights like tonight when I feel so plugged in, like I’ve gotten a glimpse behind the veil that’s been hanging over my eyes my entire life. Heady, sensitive, overwhelmed, HERE, gloriously here.

This kind of love that nourishes and excites, understands and pushes, that makes sense. 

Quiet the mind. Open the heart.

I am alone and I am happy. And I bring him along, and I am happy. I am with others without him, and I am happy. “Wherever I go you go, my dear.” Even in my most alone, I come back to you, full of secrets to be shared, truths to unfold for you unfurling from the palm of my hand, these bright jewels I carried for me, and you, and them too. For all of us, I love you. And suddenly, a truth. My love for you is the love for my brother is the love for my neighbor is the love for a stranger. My body yearns for you in a different way, But the love is both the same and always changing, you are a beautiful paradox, love and light and learning and beauty. You don’t complete me, but with you, I’m alive in a way I’ve never known before. With you, I can understand things in a way I didn’t before. You help me make the past anew.

“Life is long if you know how to use it.” -Seneca

Catching up on Daily Stoic, asking myself am I taking the time to ask: Who am I? What is important to me? What do I like? What do I need?

Today is the greatest day. Write that on my heart, every day.

GRATITUDE.

GRATITUDE.

GRATITUDE.